Draft of Sept 2012

Intelligence and strength are very sexy in a woman, including (particularly) in a submissive woman. But as in all people, intelligence is not as important other things like wisdom, compassion, honesty, and emotional stability. Specifically without emotional intelligence and wisdom, one can do a lot of damage to oneself, to the world, and to a relationship despite (or even because of) one's intelligence. Since other links above already discuss how critical honesty and compassion are, I will not add more right here.

As for emotional intelligence and level-headedness and stability it goes without saying that you need to be someone who would never act negatively (rude, mean-hearted, or worse) just because you consciously (or subconsciously) want to be punished in our D/s relationship. If you cannot honestly say you are definitely beyond doing that, please seek a relationship with someone else, not with me, or better yet, keep working at it, you are worth it. It is not a sign of not being worth much or of low self esteem, no, knowing the value of what's inside is all the more reason to work to change those parts of you that are not the way you'd like them to be.

Other scenarios I wish to avoid, that should not be part of who you are as a woman, as a sub, as a person, or in how you expect relationships to work: a woman who expects me to read her mind, then is upset when I don't. This goes generally, as well as in particular cases like being upset that I don't push her harder or demand more/sooner, despite her lack of communication (or the opposite: is upset that I don't seem to understand that in some areas she feels pushed too hard or too quickly to expand her limits, while not communicating or doing so only very minimally rather than in depth)

Or who doesn't talk much about what she liked (ashamed to admit to me, or herself she liked it) or about what she found challenging or difficult, or communicates it as an angry complaint. There definitely will be times when you want something more intense and you don't get it (or you get it but not as soon as you'd like) and there will be times when you want something less intense (or just different) than what you get. You're not "disappointing" me by communicating. Honest communication is critical, but you have to invest in it not just once but on an on-going basis, then we can understand one another.. From such close discussions I can understand better if this is a situation, on the one hand, where I support you lovingly while also reminding you that doing things you don't like is part of the deal in D/s (and part of exploration and expanding) or if there are changes that can be made, or a little of each.

You might think the most challenging examples are when I push you harder physically than you think you're ready however probably more often, it may be that I push you emotionally/mentally more than you think you're ready, and still more difficult for you as a sub may be when you don't feel pushed 'enough', hard to believe as that might be. It might be that I'm being (very prudently) extra careful, or it might be that I have good reasons that might not be clear to you about when to explore what, or in which order to explore which areas or types of D/s, or which things to stretch out over several (or many) sessions to progress in stages that might seem smaller (maybe feeling 'too small') but might also end up being more full, more thorough, and thus better in the long run, as a result. And being human I may misjudge and make mistakes. In fact it's unavoidable that I will make some. I want my partner to be (regardless of her age, this is possible) one who is very mature...and a mature partner can communicate early and often, as well as do so without any (or on rare occasions, with a bare minimum of) 'drama'. If that's not you, it's not a good sign for compatibility. If you have always had those qualities or honest inner work on yourself has led you to have them, that's another good sign for compatibility.

The bottom line you need to be both mature enough, and self-aware enough to handle D/s, as well as committed to candid, open, fully honest communication. When life isn't identical to fantasy (they two are strongly connected but very rarely if ever at all are they completely identical, reality and our mental and emotional and erotic fantasies) and when intensity or activity is not at the level or speed or pace, or order or activity that you expected or think you want or need, then you need to tell me without drama (and without expecting Doms to be perfect or all knowing or expecting me to 'fix' and solve it immediately or in one step by the next session (excepting hard limits which should be, and will be, respected as soon as they are communicated) in person, and often also afterwards in writing (ok to write in the third person about yourself, if it's easier) and then again in person in on-going loving communication between sessions, and between times together.

You need to not only communicate, communicate, communicate, but also need the mental and emotional maturity and stability to handle it without taking yourself (and me with you) on a zig-zag extreme emotional roller-coaster. "That was sooo wonderful!" (then the next day or the next week: "OMG! I can't handle this!") Any relationship has some "roller coaster" aspect of ups and downs, that's not a problem, if kept within reasonable bounds, and not too often, and not too much drama. But some people (and that may be you, and this includes wonderful, nice, kind, sexy, intelligent people) are not ready, they may be ready later, but at least right now, are not ready for a D/s relationship, like I seek which will have all the challenges and rewards of any relationship plus extra rewards, but also extra challenges, due to D/s)

A bit more in bullet points: Maturity to wait until you're ready to contact me because your life is on a firmer stable footing. See above regarding Wisdom. If your life is out of balance, maybe it's not the best time. Keep in mind that I don't expect you to be fully 100% "together" in all ways, my own life isn't, after all, and none of us are perfect or even close. We're all works in progress in growing and maturing, that's a life-long process. But, maturity and wisdom means being able to get some basic stability: emotional, mental, financial, and importantly, in time-management, among other areas, in your own life, before you take on something like this which demands time as well as (in equal measure to the huge rewards) also demands energy.

There were times when I was in a position to have an excellent chance of finding a more than willing, eager partner who is beautiful on the inside as well as very sexy on the outside, but I had put off my search, until my life was in better balance (there are many men and women who might not have been able to resist the temptation to dive in, given strong arousal feelings, given loneliness in the heart, and so on) Back to issues of balance: There are people who are financially stable but have so little free time that they have to rush through relationships; there are people with the opposite problem, who have time but no life-direction, and the problems of lack of basic economic stability and effects on self esteem, hit them too (I'm very supportive but cannot 'fix' your life for you. I'm happy to mentor a receptive woman in not just D/s but also in what I've learned about basic meditation methods, about voluntary simplicity, escaping consumerism and attaining financial stability, about using relaxation methods to tune inwardly and have better self knowledge and peace and better communication within a relationship, all this and more, but if the woman's life is at least right now with drama and emotionally out of balance and one emergency after another, I can't help her much, and it's unfair to me to expect me to fix it all, and it's unfair to your potential, with me or with someone else, to jump into a relationship until those things are at least to a significant extent resolved. Long parenthetical, but very important)

Or the example people who have both of the above two factors in good shape in their lives so they are neither time-starved sleep deprived exhausted frazzled yuppies, nor constantly broke (and sometimes also sleep deprived or exhausted) day-dreamers but have overcome both of these (good for you if that's you... it's hard, but as I can attest to you, it's possible) or at least they have in their own life, and maybe in your own life, both of these in reasonably good shape, but other things, like stress or other emotional aspects are that, there is still a problem with balance and with being ready for a relationship. You owe it to yourself, as well as my asking you to respect me here. I'm mature enough to know that as "exciting" as it might sound to have an attractive and mentally/emotionally engaging woman ready willing and able to enter a D/s relationship as submissive with me, as much as one could draw powerful erotic visions from that, and as much as we men supposedly don't commit as much as women do, the fact remains that I don't want that. And if given a choice? Well, a string of 5 short relationships with women (no matter how gorgeous they are) that crash and burn, I'd prefer much less, to having one relationship (or if it was not meant to be just one 'forever' or one very long lasting one, then two longer-lasting and deeper relationships where we end up being much closer to one another) instead of those five "exciting but short-lived" relationships.

I believe I've stated elsewhere that you need to be someone who is comfortable with and even shared with me some social/political values, including you're not looking for a 1950s type Dom. In a scene here and there, or when the mood strikes me, yes. But you need to be comfortable with a Dom not bound by typical social conventions and impositions including in terms of gender expectations or narrow gender roles for men (or women), and with the fact that men are not always the rock (I am much of the time but not always) of the relationship, that men (and Doms) need a shoulder to lean on (and if not literally then at least figuratively, one to cry on) and they have fears and they need nursing when they are sick, or even when they are not sick, needing to be nurtured (as I said I'm so giving my sub should be giving by nature or else this Dom may lean to giving more massages to her than demanding ones be given to him) or the Dom may need help lifting a heavy bookcase (no, I'm not looking for a D/s 'slave' to slave away that way, it's been less than two years since I moved so that example does come to mind though) and so on. Do I mind ever holding the door for you? On special nights from time to time, where you are the Lady and Queen, I don't mind at all, just like I don't mind getting you flowers when I know we're not stuck in 1950 and you know how to get me flowers (nine times out of then, fresh picked is as good or better than spending lots of money paying someone else to pick them for you) and so forth.

But which aspects should be closer to 50%/50% in who receives support or who is strong or who nurtured, etc, and which aspects are ones which, while we realize we don't live in the 1950s or in a movie make believe and we realize it won't be 100% of the time, are nevertheless aspects where it will not be 50%/50%, given the D/s nature, in who is likely to be in which types of modes and behaviors? Such matters are for closer dialogue as the relationship or it's possibility, is initially explored, and then on an on going basis in open heartful communication.

(Add other social/political/cultural things: I don't need her to wear much, or even any makeup. Or high heels either. I do like longer hair on her head and very little or none on her pussy..I don't even need her armpits to be 100% shaved all the time. Moving from cultural and social to political. No Republicans please. Progressives, greens, etc, are best, otherwise at least be liberal and open to more. Those trying to make the world a better place, it's ok or positive, even 'radical' change if that means 'open to honestly explore any new ideas' and if for progressive change, but not if it's constantly fist-shaking always angry, etc. Sexual repression isn't the only way ther world's messed up, socially, it's true. But balance is key: yes, being open to let go of mainstream ideas, and go counter-culture, but also room for relaxation, even humor, from time to time, lots of hugs, amidst the chaos, so we don't lose our inner center and peace)

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