Dacryphilia: Emotional side trumps
the physical..but not entirely!

So, you may be asking yourself, "What's a Nice Guy (or, Nice Dom) like him doing with such a kink as this?"

Then again, you may be asking yourself, "What the hell is Dacryphilia??" The term actually includes a variety of related kinks (we'll avoid the term "fetishes" and "paraphilia" here). It can mean that one is turned on by either the site of tears, or of sobbing (or both), either when one caused it, or as a third party bystander watching. Another broader type is " sexual arousal from someone displaying strong emotion" or arousal from being the one who cried: "sexual arousal from the emotional release that accompanies crying" Or one can be neither male nor Dom/Domme and still be arouse by the tears of others; " comforting the crier is a major part of the fetish for me" wrote one woman who "prefers not to be" the cause of the other's crying. And of course sadistic Dominants are a type (I do not consider myself a Sadist, in fact that's one of the key reasons I prefer the term D/s to "S&M" to self describe).

Optional: Some personal background

I suppose in large part it's my strong empathy. And for me it's very context-dependent. Outside of romantic/sexual situations I've comforted (yes, attractive) women and not been turned on at all. There are exceptions, there was a shrieking cry, of joy and relief rather than sadness, which once caused me a strong sudden arousal in a non-sexual context. But those are the exception and I'm definitely not turned on by pictures of say crying by women at funerals, I'm happy to say (of course if you were to cut out the context and show part of that picture, her face, and post it online with another story though, who knows).

Anyone, especially any male Dom can call themselves sympathetic, a 'nice guy' and empathic..But to give you an example of where and how I am (and this will turn off/turn away women who cannot stand this much softness on the inside of a Dom, and that's ok, I don't want to attract the non-compatible) but there is a 1 minute video segment of Natalie Portman being raped by a king from some movie.

I watched it, I left the sound off so I don't know if my reaction would have been different with sound, but I was NOT turned on. I'm sure I'm not the only straight male who was not turned on, but how many male Doms who (in the right context) are actually turned on by a woman's tear/sobbing, had the reaction I had? What was my reaction? I was not only not turned on, I had a small but very definite unmistakable tear in the corner of each eye. Maybe it was Portman's powerful acting: the look on her face of utter, utter disgust (and shame, but not the sexy 'erotic humiliation' kind, but the bad ugly kind) disgust at him, and at herself, and at what was happening.

If, on the other hand I am once again in a D/s relationship, and if in a consensual relationship with a submissive woman and her being "taken" in a very aggressive way - not damaging brutality but with force - was not a "limit" (it might be a limit if she had a traumatic experience when younger which she did not want to relive..) there could certainly be scanarios I could enjoy participationg in.. Like I said, "context-dependent.."

Another time maybe, I can share a personal experience I had with D/s that somewhat parallels the part near the end of my story The Spanking, where the sub starting weeping as a result of the compassion and mercy (my deciding to stop after she said she deserved move) and I was not turned on in that case, but was deeply touched. In another context, or fuller weeping, could it have caused arousal? Or a combination?

But, this (now somewhat less) short essay isn't about my interests and reactions; I've just now added the above as background. The focus here is to share a few thoughts about incorporating dacryphilia into D/s and about the physical versus emotional dimensions of reaching a cathartic point of crying. So let's get to it:

Personally I am strongly oriented to the mental, emotional and psychological elements of D/s, significantly more so than the physical (See Erotica section) How does this bear on the question at hand: iIn the D/s context, How to best bring forth crying from the submissive woman? The context could other than a spanking but for concreteness, let's suppose that it is an otk spanking.

One of the earliest things I read online many years back when I was much newer to D/s confirmed my intuition: that pain all by itself isn't enough, there has to be an emotional context, feeling sorry, a safe and ultimately healing type of feeling ashamed, feeling of surrender, etc.

Now some will protest, "oh yes you can cry from tears alone!" Well, yes, but that's a different kind of crying. For example, hurting your toenail badly can cause real tears and even some sobbing I suppose, but of a different kind, not the fully letting go type of sobbing. There's a 1 minute YT video of tears slowly running town a woman's face from a slow progressive set of lashes Note that is not crying, it is tears. But even if there was a similar scene that had crying "just from pain" I would venture to say that, while I don't claim to speak universally, that at least in most cases, part of the cause is still emotional (thought experiment: would she have likely had the same reaction if it was a robot doing it to her, and the robot was not deliberately programmed by her Dom but just a malfunctioning one that went nuts? Probably not!)

The erotic stories I have written have a lot in them about what we may call "the laying of groundwork" for emotional connections and emotional opening and receptivity by the sub. I won't say much here about how I work in practice, the list is long but begins with the use of a soothing safe background, kisses on her forehead, holding, etc, not just in the (very important) stage of after-care but before. Not that I would not or could not shorten or modify if the woman was significantly more experienced or otherwise there was a readiness in her for such vulnerability, but in general there is a large set of ways of mutual relating, and of helping her get into the right type of submissive mindstate.

We've now arrived at the 'surprising twist' concluding comments of this essay: I think there are purely 'physical preparations' (which unfortunately I have not had an opportunity to try in person on a sub) as a way of getting her ready to have a crying release, methods I think would work to enhance the emotional/mental methods outlined above. I've used the emotional preparations but not the physical ones I'm about to describe very briefly:

How Physical 'Priming' methods can nicely augment the psychological/emotional.

Here's a little analogy to partially justify the notion, since I have been involved in the mind-body connection and informal meditation, relaxation exercises and so on, for some time. In fact in D/s I've used those methods (including what some might call informal but still quite effective 'hypnosis' but not the B.S. that pretends to 'take over the mind' of a woman but one where she is a willing participant). One basic very well known method is called progressive muscle relaxation. In a nutshell, deliberately tensing a muscle, and then releasing it, can teach it to relax. Similar things can be done with breath to help bring about relaxation.

Yes, there must be mental engagement too, to go along with these physical aspects to have maximal effect (hence the 'hypnosis' type methods I've used in D/s, particularly, having my sub use guided affirmations on her own and with me) but the point is that the physical methods by themselves do have a real effect.

In other words, we seen from general mind-body connections that the mind can effect the body (e.g., meditation, relaxation exercises, etc) but the body can also affect the mind (progressive relaxation as well as other examples.1)Of course this is not news, least of all to those whose style of BDSM focuses on SM and things like flagellation-induced endorphins. But here the idea is in the deeper psychological waters of D/s, that here too the body can affect the (deeper subconcious part of) the mind. And of course that this in turn, can affect other aspects of mind and body towards a peak experience while receiving a spanking (or similarly emotionally intimate punishment).

So given my background and interest in such things (both for general health, healing and wellbeing, and for the relaxation and opening-up emotionally that leads to better sexual encounters, whether vanilla or D/s) I am inclined to think that I could help a woman reach a safe but very cathartic state of crying even better than I have in the past when I used real spankings but mostly the 'non-physical' methods if these ways were supplemented by adding a physical element or two, to the array of more mental and emotional focused methods of creating a safe receptive and 'ready' environment, and Dom-sub connection-building which at the beginning helps her open up and be vulnerable. So what are these more 'purely physical' supplements I'd like to try?

For one thing, remember the notion of breathing exercises for relaxation? I would take her through some breathing exercises that gradually move to mimic sobbing, not because that alone would lead to real crying (unless she was on the verge already), nor by itself would it lead to the deep catharsis that key, but as a way to gradually remind her physical body what that's like. Similar use of an onion which could be only for a few seconds. Now combine these physical ways to 'prime' her physical body, with the mental and emotional steps which I already know from experience are effective, and the combined result, I suspect, can be that much more powerful. Granted, it also depends on the unique individual woman and on the relationship. In my past D/s relationships we took it to soft sobs but not beyond that, for example, with those mental and emotional methods. I'm optimistic because I have enough experience in mind/body connections and I while I haven't used the step by step physical primings described here I have incorporated less ambitious but similar things in D/s in the past.

It would be interesting to see the effectiveness of the broader combination of methods, something I may explore with a willing partner some day. I think both beginning subs and experienced submissives can benefit from the combination that's right for them.

For now, these thoughts are to show, if nothing else, that, yes, even Doms who have a strong leaning towards the psychological and mental/emotional, can acknowledge that pure-physical methods of the right sort can be useful too.

More images which if in the right context (consensual, of course, plus guided by an empathic Dom who can punish but is loving) can be hot? You decide - here What do you think of the penultimate (heavier BDSM feel to it, kneeling nude, crying) and the last one (kiss on forehead and forgiveness)?

Footnote 1: Or recent research comfirming the forcing a smile can improve your mood. The researchers found it had a mild but positive effect even if the participants didn't know they were 'smiling' but instead where told to hold a small object in their lips or mouth which forced this 'smile' on their face

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