A Life "Changed"

This very special email came in some ten years ago, also sent to the previous version of my website. Although after this many years my memory could be failing me, I recall getting her ok to publish her email without personal information, on my website. Having X'd out the personal information, and with this being about 10 years old, it's safe enough (The next incarnation was about 2004 on Geocities. I've made some positive changes in life and career during the lengthy absence of my Panaeros website from the web. This version with its own domain I hope to be permanent, and expect it to be about Humanistic D/s as much as about erotic stories and yes, a Personal Ad of mine inclusive of D/s aspects. More on this to come, in other sections. -Panaeros).

To: Panaeros
Subject: Your Personal Ad/Website...

Let me start off by telling a story (since, that is how I came upon
you at all, your stories). My story is a personal one though, about
how I found your site and ::smiles:: a few odds and ends.

My name is [XX] and I'm 20 (turning 21 in [three months]). I currently
live in [XX] Florida, though when I found your site I was in [XX] Virginia.

A few years ago (probably more like 5 years ago), my family got this
new thing called the Internet, brought into our home via the computer
that I saved money and bought to aid me in my homework. The Internet
wreaked havoc on my parents and I. Well, I should rephrase that, the
Internet isn't a thing, per say, so it can't actually do that on it's
own. ::shy smile:: Okay, maybe it was more like MY USE of the
Internet. ::looks up at her halo as it tarnishes a bit::. I was on
Prodigy when it was pay-by-the-hour and I managed to create huge
bills. I was 15 when we originally got online.

By the time I was 16, I met a man online named [XX]. Getting
around as children do I somehow got into all this (I thought at the
time) very cool "adult" type stuff and ended up maturing way too
quickly (in my opinion) in the area of sex, or sexual relations. So,
[XX] (which, now I doubt that was even his name) decided that he
was going to come down, to Florida from Tennessee and visit me. He
did, I lost my virginity to him in a hotel room, three months after
turning 16, and never heard from him again.

When I was turning 17, I met a man online named [X]. Mind you, this
has been a year or so and I've been dating at school, like a normal
high school kid. I've begun to explore (through websites, newsgroups
and chatrooms) this new thing called S&M (which, at 17, all one really
knows is that it's an "adult" thing and maybe a little more). So, I
met [X], who said he was a "master" and we did the cyber thing for a
while. We took our relationship to the phone also, almost
immediately. He came down for a visit about 6 months after "meeting"
online. His trip down consisted of bondage, spankings and humiliation,
at least as much as could be shoved into three days. I was left with
bruises, cuts and a heavy heart when he left. He was all I'd known of
this new kink I'd fallen in love with.

We/I made plans to run away from my parents, after my high school
graduation and while I was discussing this with a friend, in my room,
my mother overheard the conversation. She asked me about it, I denied
and she (of course) did not believe me. My father worked for the
government on the road and she immediately called him to come home. He
wouldn't be home for a few days, at the earliest, but you see, I
fear(ed) my father's wrath and planned in my heart to be gone by then
(rather than face him).

I called [XX] and begged him to come "rescue" me from my father's
homecoming. I packed my things and checked into a hotel. He came and
got me, since I was now 18 and I planned to never talk to my parents

I think I called them about a month after having moved to Virginia
with [XX]. A lot of things come out in a 15 hour drive with someone
whom you've never really been in the physical presence of for very
long. One such thing was that he really had no experience at being a
"master", but having already fell for him (emotionally) and having
just run away from my life 8 hours ago, all I said was "that's
okay". After all, what's an 18 year old, supposed to really say to a
30 year old who just helped her outrun her father, to live with him,
under the pretense that he was something other than himself.  ::sighs
and shrugs::

[XX] was not only inexperienced in things relating to bdsm, but, at
18 I had more knowledge of the emotional and (yes, I believe)
spiritual side of the lifestyle, than him. I won't walk you through
the year or so to pass, for I'm sure I've begun to bore you with my
life story, without you even knowing the point yet....

My relationship with [XX] fell apart, but I had nothing to do but
stay. I had no way to go home, no home to go to and no
alternatives. [XX]'s idea(s) of what I wanted was simply to be
beaten. ::smirks:: To which (as if I'd asked for that) he said he
loved me too much. After settling into the fact that I really was
stuck, I was online, talking to my best friend (back in Florida, it
saves on long distance. ::smiles::) and decided (with her help) that I
wasn't going to give up at 19 years old.

I began reading stories online, because [XX] and I were now in a
platonic relationship (except for the nightly oral pleasures I gave
him, which became a habit and not arousing at all for
me). Somehow.... one night... I came across your site.

Now, after reading your site, as I have, I figure you to be quite
intelligent and I won't insult you by simply saying "this is where you
come in". Rather, I'd like to take a moment and tell you where my mind
was at this point in time.

I had given up on the idea that I could be loved... and dominated. I
thought that I had to sever my emotions, my hopes of finding someone I
loved to serve. I was resolved to either stay with [XX] and turn off
my desires (which, I'd tried to no measure of success) or find someone
who could fulfill my slightly masochistic, submissive side... only
(meaning, no love or further relationship). This was in my head.

I read your stories. I thought "now.. that's odd, I've never seen
this before. Could it be, love AND domination?". I pondered this
in my mind for weeks. I read your stories over and over and yes, while they
did have the (I'm assuming) intended effect of arousal, it was more of
a realization.  Being fairly intelligent (that's still debatable
::giggles::), and after reading your personal ads, I thought I'd write
you an email and get in touch.  ::raises one eyebrow:: I think I began
it. Being (at the same time) incredibly below zero in the self-esteem
department at the time, I never finished it. I think it stopped when
my little green demon in the back said "why does he care to hear from
you?" ::smirks::

 From your stories (of course, not single-handedly, but that was the
starting point), seems like SO very long ago, I resolved to "seek out"
what I want, instead of settling or feeling stuck. I made my peace
with [XX] and saved all my money to come back home.

Through this all, I had someone close to my heart, who was a
Master. His name is [C]. When I came home, we began to explore our
relationship further and while he pushed my sexual limits (including
anal play and more "rougher" sides of sexuality), we never scened or
truly got THAT close. He is an enigma I shall never
understand. ::smirks:: We are still friends and business partners,
maybe holding onto a relationship, we aren't sure.

NOW... why did I just write down my ENTIRE life story for you to be
bored with? ::laughs:: I feel that by peeking in on your stories from
time to time, and the thoughts that your site provoked in my mind,
almost two years ago now, I have only a glimpse of you. While you may
put yourself partially out in those advertisements and moreso, show
your soul in your stories, you really had no idea that somewhere there
was a little girl reading what you wrote and changing (basically) her

That may sound entirely psychotic, or very "heavy" (to say something
you wrote partially influenced my life, though we're all constantly
influenced by SOMETHING), but... I thought I should finish the email I
began months ago, to you. Partly for me, (in which case, you're saying
"why should I have read this at all" ::giggles::) and also because
I've started my own website in this timeframe and several people have
emailed me with thoughts or comments on my site. I know sometimes it's
good to get feedback.

 I'm sure you probably get A TON of email, from prospective
submissives and while I wouldn't say I'm not interested, it is not the
ultimate goal of this email. After reading all this, it may be
anticlimactic to say "I just wanted you to know". ::smiles softly::
However, my point is as simple as this: You show pieces of you, on
your site. You open yourself up, in a most intimate way. You share
your desires, feelings, and kinks. I'd like you to know that, by
opening in this manner, you made an impact (at the very least) in my
thinking, if not partially my life. And ::giggles::: I don't care
really, how this sounds, but.. I just wanted you to know.


 PS.. I'll be the good little sub and answer the questions you've
posed in your ads here, so that I've covered that base as
well. ::smiles::

Portions in bold are my emphasis. The rest of her email with point-by-point response to the page "Questions for prospective subs" I had had on my website, I've chosen not to include. At her age today or even younger, would certainly consider a relationship with her. An unusually mature person of 21-23, as well I'd consider..but back then, with her at age 20, despite that she was exceptionally mature in many ways (running a successful business), at the time I received it, I felt she was a bit too young (which might have been a mistake on my part..today, with care and lots of communication, I would consider probably anyone of legal age if exceptionally mature and compatible..then again I might respond similarly) so in the nicest way possible, I told her how I truly appreciated her very kind, touching, candid, and very special letter, without my response to her touching on the issues of 'prospective sub' which in her email ("and while I wouldn't say I'm not interested..") are alluded to, as well as in her long, extended 'P.S.' with point by point replies, part of her letter (which was at the end of her email but which I chose not to include above).

While I've received other letters that have meant a lot to me over the years, some of which are (or will be) featured on this page, her "you changed my life" warmed my heart more than any other letter. To know that you have made just one person's life even a little bit better, is a blessing. And I'm not the first to feel this way:

"To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

We lost contact for a bit (and many things in my work life were making it a challenging period, was part of the reason for not following up more)..When I tried to reach her a year or so later, her email was no longer working. Even having lost contact, this email and personal account still touches my heart to this day, and, while it serves as a warning (or at least cautionary tale, especially to 18 year old young women) and reminder to readers, I hope it touches theirs too, as well as inspiring them (women and men alike, of all persuasions) to seek their "kink" as a part of, rather than instead of hoping for, a loving relationship.

So there you have it.. Other letters (e.g. from the author) touch me as well, some very much. This one is probably the most special of all the ones I've received or probably every will receive, however. -Panaeros

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